My mom told me that being around me has been hard for everyone. Hearing this really hurt me. I want people to be around me, especially when I want to be around them. Well my medication has finally started to work after switching it a few times. Now I am on a mood stabilizer and Adderall. There’s so many judgements about medication and I understand that, but I also have to say it feels great when you start to feel like your normal self. First off I was so excited for my husband to get home after being at work for two weeks. When he got home, he spent the first few days either outside or gone, while I was inside taking care of the girls and doing homework. Normally I would be pissed right away. But I had to tell myself, be thankful for the things he does instead of focus on the things he doesn’t do. I did this for 4 days, on the 4th day I had had enough! Yes he had been helping me, but every time I sat down to do my homework, he would ask me to get up to do something. I had been trying to work on my homework all week. Every assignment I have is due either Saturday night or Sunday night and I really hate waiting til last minute because I spend literally all day Friday, Saturday and Sunday doing homework! This weekend I was beyond exhausted, I have a teething 9 month old which means no sleep and a ton of crying. Plus I have an almost 3 year old and she is starting to go through the stage of being emotional about everything, like something being the color yellow (not really, but she’ll cry and when I ask her what’s wrong she says she dont know). And after Will got home I would be holding both my crying babies while he was trying to explain something to me about guns… I’ll be honest I was having times I felt so smothered. Like just GET OFF ME!! One of the classes I am taking is Psychology, its Everyday Behavior Analysis. Which this is making me understand reasons for some of my behavior or anger. For instance when my Tiny was smaller Will could not handle taking care of her and Ellie for 5 minutes without calling me freaking out, telling me I needed to get home right away because Tiny was crying and wouldn’t stop. Well eventually I started to panic before I even went to do anything, whether it was me going to the store, going to get my hair done or going to class. That’s because I got used to him freaking out on me everytime I went to go do anything. So, now I anticipate him telling me to come home right after I leave. So, in reality I never get a mental break. There is always some sort of stressor in my head. Sorry, I rambled a little. Back to me getting overwhelmed and frustrated this weekend. Yesterday I was trying to get the last bit of my homework done and first Will asked me to put clothes away, then I had to get up to get the baby even though he was only folding clothes. Before you think, well at least he was doing something, I know he was and I do appreciate it. But, school is my job and so is being a Mom. However if I fail or do bad in my classes that is less money every semester/month that I get to help our family. I was ok with helping with the clothes. What pissed me off was he asked me if I had any food made. We had had these delicious tacos 2 nights before and I told him we had some of that. I asked him if he wanted that and said yes please. Yes, he was nice about it. But, first off he knows I was working on homework and next he was sitting on his ass watching TV. Yes he was folding clothes, but he was also relaxing. This made me feel like what I was doing was unimportant or insignificant to him. I still didn’t say anything, well he reloads his own bullets and he spent a good portion of doing that yesterday. When he did come upstairs, he didn’t help me with the girls. Not until I would get up to pick up the baby and then he would tell me to give her to him. After so many times I had it. I went downstairs, trying not to get upset at him. Well he followed me downstairs asking me what my problem was and I lost it. I have gone over this with him multiple times in the past. And he never tries to make it easies where I can do my homework until I get pissed off. So, everytime I need to do homework and he is home I anticipate that this is going to happen. This time I had hoped because I wasn’t getting upset all the time that he would be more understanding and more willing to help me. Well that didn’t happen. After we got into a huge argument, and I cried and didn’t talk to him. It took him a minute but he understood. He, felt bad and tried to give me some quiet time to do my homework. I felt for a minute like my medication had failed me. But I realize I am still going to have emotions, I am just more in control of them then I was before and my medication is what is helping my brain to not react instantly in a negative way. I still have a ways to go, but I am starting to understand my behavior a little more. I do wish men would be more understanding. I called my mom because I was frustrated and she just told me, well as is a man and they just dont think like we do. I got upset, like so I am just supposed to not say anything and expect that he isn’t going to help me? Then she told me no one can tell me anything, which is something she says to me all the time. I almost hung up on her, which is what I normally do when I get upset. But this time before I did I took a deep breath and didn’t hang up. I calmed myself down and tried to let her explain what she meant. But it still sounded to me like she was saying basically to get over it. Well obviously just getting over it is just not who I am. At the end of the day I was able to complete my homework before midnight and to go to sleep. Plus this morning Will got up with the girls and I was able to sleep in a little bit which helped me tremendously. I wish I didn’t have to be a crazy person to get this. He was able to buy two guns and I ordered him a lot of Patriots stuff for Father’s Day/our anniversary. I expected he would understand that I appreciate him because this is something I used to do frequently, that I haven’t done in a long time. But I cant let myself be upset by the way expect him to respond if he doesn’t respond that way. Anyway, therapy helps so I can explain how I feel and my medication does too. Trying to get help is really worth it once you find someone that can help. Thankfully mine is basically a counseling team. I want to encourage you, if you are going through a rough time, get some help. It might take some work, but there is someone out there that will listen and be able to help you. When I get my degree, it might just be me. My goal is to help anyone and everyone I can. I hope you are able to find resources to help you long before that, because I dont know how long that will take. However, I am here to lend a listening ear and maybe someone will read your response and be in similar shoes. I know none of us are going through the same troubles, but they might be similar. Sending love to you all.

Do you ever feel like you are doing so good in life and on the right track and then BAM! Life bitch slaps you back to reality? I have always been AWFUL with money. Always. But after seeing how horrible my husband was with money and for sure he was horrible, (I’ll get there in a minute) I knew one of us had to get our shit together for sure! So the start of this, well the start of our relationship to be more specific. I bought him tires for his car, because he was out of work for like 2 months after breaking his hand and I’m not the kind of woman to not help my man. Especially not a good one like him. This story might make you think otherwise, but I assure you he is a good guy, just doesn’t make good decisions sometimes. Just like every other human being. Anyway, after I bought him tires. I found out he had been spending MONEY like lots of MONEY on a game he was playing on his phone. I was so pissed, like what the fuck, I’m here worrying about your well being and you’re spending stupid money on a game. It was over $900 people! I digress. So, how many years later is it? Oh yeah, 4. Well, I have been so awesome with money until the last year and I tell you everything is showing it. Not because we haven’t had the money to pay anything, but because my brain has literally felt like it has been spinning in circles! Not my head, just my brain. Like unable to focus on one thing, at all. To the point where I’m so mentally exhausted I can’t do anything. At all! So, I have been lacking on paying bills. Only thing getting paid are things that are on auto, or our cars and did I mention I have been shopping. Like a lot. My poor husband, but you know what’s great? Is he understands, I had to be put on mood stabilizers to control my impulsiveness. I’m doing much better, but medication always take a while to fully work. It’s hard and especially when I feel like I cant have emotions otherwise people think I’m not taking my medication. Maybe I’m just crazy ok?!?

First lets start with my most recent mental health “adventure.” So, summer of 2018 I was pregnant with our second daughter. (Technically 3rd, but our first I didn’t conceive, my husbands first wife did.) Anyway, we had just moved from Virginia to Utah after my separation from the Navy. We moved in with my parents temporarily until Will, my husband found a job and we could rent a house. Well, my parents have smoked since I was younger and being pregnant I couldn’t handle being around it. Despite me asking, my mom would still smoke in the house. However, when it came to my brother or my sister being here, she wouldn’t smoke around them or their kids. Will and I had gone to Colorado because he had an interview. While we were there my mom promised me she was going to quit smoking in the house. I was so happy it made me cry. This was right before my brothers girls were going to stay with her. I gave her the benefit of the doubt thinking, it was something that would be permanent because she promised and said she was deep cleaning and then going to stop smoking in the house. Well that didn’t last long the day the girls left we had been gone and when we came home the room we stayed in smelled like someone had just smoked in there. I could smell it and I was pissed. Why the hell promise you are going to promise to do something and then not do it. I was so angry. Not just angry with her, but mostly with her. I wouldn’t talk to anyone and when Will said something to me I old him I didn’t want to talk to him, because him along with everything just think my feelings are a joke. It wasn’t long until my Dad asked me what the deal was and said we need to fix whatever is going on. Let me tell you something, I have never yelled at my Dad, honestly I was more scared of him than my mom and I cant even tell you why. That day I not only yelled at my Dad, I screamed, in his face. I wasn’t mad at him, but it was kind of like when someone asks you what’s wrong when you are crying and you just start bawling hysterically. It was like that, but with anger, so much anger. This was after the week prior, when I yelled at Will in front of my cousin and her husband. I mean it was something I should have been upset about. But not to the point to yell at him. Especially not in front of anyone. Well that’s when I decided I couldn’t handle what was going on with me and I needed help. I went to the VA and they got me on medication, Prozac to be exact, right away. That really helped until after I had Elizabeth in September, I could feel my anger and frustration start to come back more fierce. I went back to the Doctor and we played musical medication for months. Back and forth between Wellbutrin and Prozac until March. In March the day before my next appointment with my Psychiatrist I get a notice saying my appointment is cancelled. The day of my appointment they call to tell me it was cancelled and that he wasn’t seeing patients anymore. They made me an appointment with the new Psychiatrist and when I went to see her, she didn’t want to put me on anything because I was still nursing. My old Psychiatrist had a plan. He was going to add Wellbutrin to Prozac. Well she took me from 40 mg of Prozac a day down to 20 and told me to let her know when I stop nursing. She was distracted our whole appointment. So when I left I was in panic mode. I went to see the Therapist at the University I am going too. Did you know some schools have this option and its included in your tuition? I am so thankful for that option I don’t know where I would be today if I didn’t have it. We called so many places trying to find someone to get my on different medication. Anything. I had a mental breakdown. She wouldn’t let me leave and wanted me to go to the hospital because she was worried about my safety. That was the best thing to happen to me. It was that moment that got me on the right track. The next day I had an appointment with the counseling center and then the following week my mental assessment. Granted it wasn’t like a day away, but just knowing I was getting help gave me some comfort. I did have to go to Urgent Care to get something to help with my anxiety. But other than that I was ok. It hasn’t been an easy process, they have said I’m bipolar to they don’t want to put that in my folder yet to we know there is some mood instability there but we don’t know the cause yet. So, now I am on a mood stabilizer. Facebook really helps the stability of my feelings, I see so many family members commenting or liking others posts or supporting their new ventures, but they don’t do anything with mine. If anything I get told don’t do this or that on Facebook. Then I decide to get off of Facebook and all I hear from people is why aren’t you on Facebook anymore. Umm, because its depressing and it makes people feel unimportant and no one can make up their minds what they want. Its frustrating… So, do you ever feel like you are a joke? Like no matter what you do, no one takes you seriously? Then when you tell that person/people, they brush you off like you’re either crazy or just being too sensitive? I have gone through this my whole life, with friends and family. Now when I get upset about anything, the first thing people jump to is “Are you taking your medication?” or “I cant wait until your medication starts working!” Not thinking about maybe what they said to me or how they said it, because most of the time what they said was rude. Yes I might get defensive, but when it happens all the time, it’s irritating. I feel like no matter what I do, or how well I do it, no one has ever been or will ever be proud of me. But you bet your ass, I screw up it gets thrown right in my face. God forbid anyone else be held accountable for their shitty attitude towards me right? I am beginning to learn, it’s not me. I think that’s the thing with depression and anxiety is we hold everything anyone says to us on our shoulders. I said once I feel like the black sheep of the family. My mom told me she doesn’t have any black sheep. However, that’s not how I feel. I try to have a relationship with my family, but when I feel like I am the only one trying most of the time if not all the time why the hell even bother? My sister Summer, has always been there for me no matter what. Sure she has had points where she has hurt my feelings and not realized it, but I have to her too. I think she is the only one who doesn’t make everything I say and do sound like a joke. I don’t know if making me look dumb makes my family feel good or what. I feel very accomplished for my age and it frustrates me when I’m not taken seriously. I have overcome addiction, sex, drugs, alcohol. You name it. Am I proud of that? Yes! I graduated high school, joined the military and now I am going back to college to get my degrees. All the while I have two small children to take care of, now I am taking care of my mom when my Dad is at work, because she has a broken back and cant do much. On top of that I am going to school full-time and did I mention we have 5 chickens, 2 ducks, 2 turkeys and 2 dogs… I have my hands full. But instead of people telling me how great I am doing (family wise) I get ragged on about everything else. Why isn’t my house spotless? Why am I not more organized, why don’t I do this or that!! And then they wonder why I get defensive. I’m exhausted! I do this 2 weeks out of the month by myself. Its hard as hell, I am behind on bills, I just got diagnosed with ADHD but are people understanding of that, of course not. I’m not complaining or venting, what I am doing is trying to share my story with you. I want you to know you are not alone. I am showing you everything here and that is scary, but if it helps even one person it is worth it.

My name is Desiree, I am 33 years old. A Navy Vet, a mother to 3 beautiful daughters and a wife to a tall handsome man. I am going to school to eventually, fingers crossed be a Psychiatrist/Counselor/Advocate.

So, a little bit of my background and where my mental health issues started. I had been in the Navy for about 9 months. I had been stationed on The Aircraft Carrier, USS George H.W. Bush for 3 months. We had just left for deployment in 2014 on the second day I woke up and had pain in my abdomen so bad I couldn’t move, I was in tears. So, being my stubborn self I got to my locker and took some IBUPROFEN and waited for it to kick in. I asked someone to let my Chief know I was going to be late. Luckily he was one of the understanding ones. When the pain was a little relieved I made it to work. I hadn’t been crying for a little bit. But the pain was still really bad. In the military you have what’s called sick call. It’s two times a day once in the morning and once in the evening. As a new Airman, I was under the impression that I couldn’t go unless it was one of those times. Around midday, one of my second classes told me that I could go anytime. That they couldn’t turn me away. At this time I was still hurting. So, I went. I was so nervous. When I got down to medical the HM (she was basically a CNA) told me if I was in that much pain I would still be crying. When the Doctor came in to examine me, he pushed on my belly and when he let go it felt like something exploded and I burst into tears. Multiple tests and hours later the surgeon told me if I was still in pain in the morning they were going to take my appendix out. On a ship. Out to sea. My first deployment and only my second underway (out to sea). I couldn’t get tell anyone. I couldn’t warn them incase something happened to me. Luckily everything went ok. However, they found endometriosis inside my appendix and that was most likely the cause of my appendicitis. The surgeon told me that it could cause me to be infertile. If you know me, being a wife and a mother is something I have always dreamed of. This broke my heart. Fast forward to the end of December, beginning of January. I started getting really sick. Back to back UTI’s which would turn into a kidney infection every time. I am honestly surprised I didn’t die. I couldn’t eat, I could barely do anything. I went to medical frequently as well as the Emergency room. I also made an appointment with women’s help to find out if it could be endometriosis causing something again. He did an exam and said he didn’t find anything. Which I didn’t know at the time, they have to do a laparoscopy in order to find endometriosis. After the exam, I asked if there was anything else we could try because I was miserable(all the while, in tears). He told me no and then left the room. I was desperate at that point. I cant tell you how miserable I was and sadly I didn’t have the same surgeon on the ship to turn too. So, I went to the E.R. over and over again. Thanks to one of my first classes who helped me immensely through this who told me to keep going back til they did something. So that’s exactly what I did. 3 months later found out I had a fibroid the size of a grapefruit in my uterus. I made an appointment with women’s health again. This was in April, the doctor told me that I didn’t need emergent surgery. Despite me being miserable and in pain for over 3 months. She said her next appointment was in June. So, I asked if I could see a civilian doctor then. Because I was miserable and tired of being in pain. She left the room and when she came back she said she could get me in May 5th. Just a couple weeks away. I said yes, duh! She told me the surgery I would have was the same incision someone would have in a cesarean. I honestly didn’t care I wanted this thing out of me. My poor husband (boyfriend at the time) was so supportive over all this craziness. And when I had surgery a month later he was there for me every night he got off of work at midnight, he would drive 45 minutes to come spend the night in the hospital with me. And he would again after I got released and had to be admitted again to due an infection. After the surgery I was a mess. I cried all the time and freaked out over little things. I couldn’t drive or go anywhere without have panic or anxiety attacks because I was so scared being in a car. Not to mention on top of that I was bleeding the worst I have ever in my life. I couldn’t even make it to work without having to go home to change my clothes. It was awful. At my follow up appointment I was a complete wreck my blood pressure was through the roof! I wanted to be put on something because I was going to break at any point. Well, she put me on an Antidepressant and a few weeks later attempted suicide after starting a fight with my boyfriend over something so important that I can’t remember what it was. He had to go to work and of course he left. After all this man had done for me, I was putting him through hell. And there wasn’t anything I could do to stop it. He had had enough and I dont blame him. I then tried to overdose on pills. I wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. I was tired of the pain. Of putting Will through hell and myself and because I had no control over it. I survived that attempt and I finally got to see a counselor and the most understanding psychiatrist. I went through months of changing medications, appointments with the neurologist because I got frequent headaches. She’s the one who had me go get tested to see if I had high blood pressure. Which not really a surprise, I did in fact have high blood pressure. At 29 years old!… this was all from February 2014 to the middle of 2015. There is more to this and I have a point to this. For now though I’m gonna sign off.

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton